Tuesday, 12 December 2017

'I don't want to belong to your poxy golf club'

“Look, I really don’t want to be a member of your poxy golf club anymore”

“That’s fine, but you realise you have to give two years notice and there are some financial obligations to settle.”

“Like what?”

“Well you have to pay the membership fee for the notice period, and you did promise to help fund the new crèche and some other projects, and we’ve gone ahead based on your support.”

“Oh, ok. How much?”

“We will need to go through the bill, but it’s about £4,000”

“Well the thing is I still want to access the club after I’ve left. Can we negotiate a new deal on that?”

“Yes, but we need you to agree to settle your bill first.”

“Ok.”

“We can only let you have reduced access after you’ve left. The other members will complain otherwise.”

“Thing is, I want completely free access to the club after I’ve left, similar to what I’ve got now, without paying anything and without having to agree to your stupid rules.”

“Sorry sir, we can’t offer you that.”

“In which case, I won’t settle the bill.”

“We really don’t need members like you. You’re the first member ever to leave, and we have a waiting list of others who want to join.”

“So how will I access the club after I’ve left?”

“You’ll have to pay an access charge each time. We call it a tariff.”

“Ha ha, your loss then! I will charge you a tariff whenever you want to access my business that you need to buy stuff from.”

“We’ve already done those calculations, Sir. It will cost you much more than it costs us. We’ll get back a huge chunk of your membership fee from the tariffs you must pay to access our club."

"Really?"

"Yes. As an ex-member, you won’t have all the club’s many benefits you’ve enjoyed for 40 years, right on your doorstep. Are you sure you’ve considered this properly?"

“Considered it? Why do I have to consider anything? I’m Mr Optimist. I’ll find a bigger and better club. Maybe in Australia!”

"That’s a long way to go Sir.”

"Get lost.”
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Other articles by Jon Danzig:

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