Friday 21 October 2016

Give MPs age tests, demand voters

There were urgent demands last night for age tests on Members of Parliament as it emerged that some of them were acting strangely in the House of Commons and in government departments. 

A huge row has erupted on whether they were really adults and this risked undermining confidence in the Parliamentary system. 

However, officials at the Home Office have refused to undertake dental checks on the MPs to confirm their real ages, saying this would be unethical as well as costly. 

Commented pensioner, John Adams, 66, from Bristol, “They routinely check horses teeth to check their age, so why not politicians?”

Another voter in Barnsley, who preferred not to be named, said, “These politicians open their mouths often enough, surely dental checks would be easy to undertake?”

Nationwide concern was expressed when some MPs were seen gesticulating wildly and making child-like noises in the House of Commons. 

Some of the MPs were accused of asking infantile questions on whether Britain should really be taking in refugees. 

Other MPs, mostly government ministers, were seen speaking gibberish about the country's future after Brexit. 

“I saw it on telly,” said mother of three, Mavis Smith, 42, in Watford High Street. “I thought I had tuned into CBeebies by mistake. It looked like a kindergarten out of control.”

A Home Office spokesman said that the age of MPs, including government ministers, was usually assessed by checking physical appearance and demeanour.

But Dr Spike Evans, a child psychologist at the Westminster Children’s Hospital, said looks could be deceiving. “Many of these MPs and ministers look like adults, but their behaviour and speech patterns would indicate that many of them are actually children.”

“It’s a bit a shock, to say the least,” commented Roger Jones, 28, a greengrocer from Exeter. “It seems the country is being run by kids. No wonder so many things are going wrong!”

Dental experts claimed X-rays were not accurate enough to assess the age of MPs. 

“They can be wildly inaccurate,” said Julie Nowakowski, a dentist in Lambeth. 

“So far only one MP has volunteered to have his teeth checked. He came in and put them on the counter, saying he’d be back for them in the morning.”

The tests were inconclusive. 

Some voters have asserted that dental checks are not sufficient. “They should be subject to cardiology tests too,” said mother of two, Suzy Squires, from Salford in Manchester. 

“I’m suspicious that many of those MPs don’t have a heart.”
• The original Daily Mail front page - spot the difference?

Update: Whilst the row about the true ages of MPs went on into the night, the organisation, Help Refugees, announced that there are 700 children sleeping rough in the refugee camp in Calais tonight, with almost 80% of them unaccompanied. The charity stated, "The youngest child in the camp is just four months old and the youngest unaccompanied minor is ten years old. 544 unaccompanied children in the camp are now eligible for resettlement in the UK under Dubs Amendment." 

• Spoof report and graphic for Daily Wail front page by Jon Danzig
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